Friday, July 01, 2011

Will The Revolution Begin In Lord Sugar's Boardroom?

Che-man Ma?
Was Episode 8 the first step?

This is a guest post by Artic Sixpence.

'The revolution is on BBC1.'  Those words were scribbled awkwardly across the Wednesday ITV3 listings in last week's issue of the Radio Times, in my handwriting.

On June 16, Episode 7 of The Apprentice was aired and the unmissable went unmentioned.  In that week the losing team members were malignantly sent to commiserate on their failure, for the nation's voyeuristic entertainment, in a different café to usual.  After a public uprising by outraged students and activist groups that went deafeningly unreported in the traditional oppressive right-wing media, the domineered contestants' café rights were restored belatedly in Episode 8.

A week later, on June 30, twelve and a half billion public sector workers, teachers and dog walkers marched proudly through the winding streets of the nation's capital city, called London, in solidarity with their entrepreneurial brothers and sisters.  In Libya, citizens have been taking a break from overthrowing their oppressors, transforming their little town square in Misrata into an "Apprentice Village".  Revolutionary rebels carry quaint home-made banners and placards bearing the slogans "Do NATO fly planes?" and "Does Colonel Gadaffi love his children?"

Meanwhile, on every episode contestants are singled out by Lord Sugar, have a finger pointed rudely at them in the face, are criticised for their failures - a situation usually exacerbated with the use of a pun - and told to go home.  This is a form of individual punishment known as "firing", a colloquial term which requires the use of "quotation marks".

Take the royal wedding.  Were any of The Apprentice contestants invited?  No.  Not even previous winners.  They simply don't fit the established imperialistic pageantric order of power.  They are breaking the rotting boundaries of societal norms.  What people don't realise is that each episode is violently edited, during which process the contestants are repeatedly hit with kettles.  Beforehand, swathes of regular viewers are pre-emptively arrested, to ensure they have the right opinions of the contestants, and don't disobediently express dissenting views on Twitter or Facebook as the programmes are aired.  In Budleigh Salterton last week, fourteen young people were arrested for being outside unnecessarily after curfew and missing the first ten minutes of the show.

On the way home yesterday I saw a handwritten sticker on a poster advertising Sky Sports.  I was pleased to see it was still present after I put it there just the day before.  It read: "If we just hold firm, we could be the next Syria.  Be strong.  Keep watching.  I <3 Helen."

Artic Sixpence, 24, is an idiot.

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