Thursday, December 23, 2010

What we can learn from Charles 'Moore'. Or: What a #?$%.

I'm a secondary school maths teacher.  I'm also trying my damnedest to become a children's writer.  So you can imagine how pleased I was when this extract from a television review (yes, a television review) was brought to my attention:
"Take our current obsession with paedophilia. The fact is that a significant number of good teachers have paedophilic tendencies.  If they commit no wrong acts, this should not be seen as a problem.  Their urges towards children, if they control them, may make them more interested in their pupils' welfare than the rest of us would be.  If we want the best for our children we should not be intolerant of the Gladstone equivalents – those who sublimate their dangerous desires to good effect."
Good thing then that I'm in the middle of the second attempt at my third CRB check in 2010.  It's the second attempt because the first one, completed on paper, wasn't sent off before my organisation changed providers and now it has to be completed online, from scratch.

The first two CRB checks of 2010 are irrelevant to my current job because anything the CRB says only counts for the organisation they're saying it to.  So I'll soon be deemed safe to work for three separate organisations, but if I wanted to supervise children during a local theatre group's pantomime rehearsals, I wouldn't be allowed to.  Unless the group were willing to pay £36 to have me checked yet again.

But that doesn't bother me any more, because Charles Moore has opened my eyes.  I now know the truth.  I now understand that this lumbering, archaic, arse-backwards system is necessary, because I'm actually a paedophile desperately resisting the urge to molest those under my charge.  It all makes sense now.

Well, he must be right, mustn't he?  Because, after all, this is a man who "covers politics with the wisdom and insight that come from having edited The Daily Telegraph, The Sunday Telegraph and The Spectator".  Or, as my friend James put it:


Mind you, this is also a man who thinks Gove understands education.  This Charles Moore chap isn't exactly blessed with a logical understanding of cause, reason and effect.  As shown by his belief that just because someone gives something to you, it must be something worth having:
"It has often been said – by Winston Churchill and T S Eliot among others – that the King James Bible is the greatest work in the English language, and it is true. Guests who appear on Desert Island Discs automatically get the Bible and Shakespeare to go with them."
Q.E.D.  Of course, it goes without saying that an education without the Bible isn't an education at all.  Presumably.

Before you all reach for your email to complain to the Press Complaints Commission, however, do remember that you're unlikely to get anywhere.  Because the PCC now openly admit that while prejudice against an individual should result in an apology, there is no rule of conduct about being prejudiced against a whole group of individuals.

Charles Moore article via @mxfwrites and @SchoolDuggery