Hello England. How have you been? I've missed you terribly. I know you don't believe me. You'd be right to think that it probably won't be all that long before I can't wait to leave you again. But that doesn't mean I don't care about you any more.
Yesterday afternoon, I fled Tanzania with Emirates, via Dubai, and landed in London early this morning. En route I encountered some twits. I'm sure that you would agree, it's only right and proper to categorise and rank such people, in order to minimise the risk they pose to the general public.
This might come across as a bit grumpy. Because I think it probably is.
#3. Loud European Continental Twits (suspected Spanish, although possibly Italian or Portuguese)
When sat on my own in a cafeteria in Dubai airport at 2am, having recently taken antibiotics that make my dreary state even less comfortable, I can think of nothing that would cheer my mood more than a group of eight people to join my small table with neither request nor apology, and then hold the loudest conversations they will hold all year.
Thank you. So much.
#2. Swine Flu Face Mask Twits
I only spotted one group of swine flu mask wearers. I saw these strapping young men, with their carefully styled hair and tattoo'd arms, first in Dubai Airport and then on the plane for the second leg of my journey.
And I observed as they frequently took their masks on and off, thus presumably touching their face with their hands far more than most other people. What an effective preventative strategy.
#1. Overprivileged Student Twit
No twit, however, surpassed the twit at Gate 2 in Dar es Salaam Airport. Sitting down with his friends, and their matching facefluff and ill-conceived local clothing, he loudly joked about African Airport Security.
"It's really quite funny, the difference between Gatwick and here. I mean, here security is basically them just ticking a number off a list, isn't it?"
I can only presume, therefore, that he passed through very different security checks to myself. These included, much like any other international airport, x-ray machines and metal detector gates.
Once through to the gate, an airline attendant ticked boarding pass numbers off on a grid. Presumably to make sure they don't leave anyone behind. And very little to do with security.
What a clever comedian. What a clever, superior little man.